is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I deserve this hangover.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
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