Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
