life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
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