So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
