Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
My breasts were aching with rage.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
