I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
