Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Randomize
