I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
