News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
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