You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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