A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
