In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
