you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
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