I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
