I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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