living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
