My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
wow bdsm is so cute
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
