...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
