I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
is it normal that we went to that class once and both got 100's on the final? ohhhh, arizona state.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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