he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
