i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Randomize
