there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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