I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
