I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
