I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
sarcasm needs its own font
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Randomize
