if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
