I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I feel like abortions should bother me more
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
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