I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
