I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
