College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
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