you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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