We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize