dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize