I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
wow bdsm is so cute
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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