just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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