I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
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