why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
