Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
