i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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