I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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