Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
