I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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