don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
