The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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