If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
