she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I'm like, not good at living.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
