just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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