apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
