he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
