She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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