where am i from again
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
It's shark week go big or go home
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
