How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
