watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
