On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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