Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize