who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
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