I'm really into asian looking animals
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
